| Most of my life, I've been disappointed by men—except my dad. He never betrayed me in any way as far as I know, and always made me feel special when he called me his “Darlin’ Daughter.” Unfortunately, many women and girls are unable to join me even in this simple praise of manhood.
My dad was the romantic in our family—a drummer by choice and an aircraft mechanic by necessity. To “make ends meet,” he also tuned pianos during evenings, weekends, holidays and vacations.
When Dad’s up-and-coming band rehearsed (jammed), we three children were taken along, as baby sitters weren’t affordable. Although a toddler at the time, I remember crawling behind an over-stuffed chair in someone's living room where the band was jamming—peeking out at my dad playing drums, my uncle blowing trumpet, various other grinning instrumentalists, and my mom watching Dad with “that” look in her eyes as she tapped her feet keeping time with the music.
It wasn’t until after their deaths that I found a love letter from Mom to Dad, written a few months before they were married in 1939. Her excerpt below kind of summarizes what their “look” meant:
“Darling I do love you so much—you’re so sweet and so easy to love, especially when you smile at me with that smile you save for me—my heart turns hand springs! Your blue eyes just dance when you’re feeling good. Blue eyes and blue eyes make blue eyes, don’t they?”
Yes, they did! Three pair of baby-blues—mine, my sister’s and my brother’s. Although we inherited the eyes, the look was theirs alone. I think this wordless visual communication I witnessed almost every day of my life became my security, certainty, and guidance.
Mom and Dad were equally devoted to their off-spring, whom in turn, were equally devoted to their siblings. It made the perfect circle. To this day, I deeply mourn for those who have not had the experience of being loved and knowing it.
My parents’ love for each other grew stronger with every challenge, and never failed our family. Even though there were the usual disagreements and some very bad times, their devotion to one another was the foundation of our happy home.
These days however, happy homes are a little harder to find. Many teen-aged girls today have virtual relationships with their fathers—some by Internet, some by limited weekend visits. Both confess to over-compensating for their geographical, perhaps familial, separation by indulging in non-communicative activities such as entertainment, sports, shopping, or “the other side’s” family functions. The distancing hardly contributes to a close relationship however, and both often feel a sense of loss.
Add to this scenario another silented stalker of father-daughter relationships: the effects on both of puberty. Such a taboo topic is obviously painful if not impossible to talk about, even with professional therapists. But it really shouldn’t be ignored, because all associated conditions are normal, even though unstudied moralists might disagree.
As girls approach, enter, and emerge puberty, automatic evolutionary changes occur both in- and outside the body. These changes are accompanied by signals often found throughout the animal kingdom—flushing, pheromones, territorial challenges, temporary adornment, display of skills, increased contact, unpredictable mood swings, etc.
Throughout much of the animal kingdom, the female usually chooses the mate. But Mother Nature insured that mating will always occur by giving the male the proper chemicals, biological responses, and some form of superiority over the female in the event she’d never be willing to copulate more than once.
When puberty signals appear, regardless of relationship status, they generate the automatic limbic responses of arousal in one or both genders. But since we’ve been in the closet on this topic for centuries, it’s obvious that neither fathers nor daughters can talk about the issue (even if it can be identified). As a result, both may also feel a sense of guilt just for having or sensing that they have these feelings; or worse yet, that they might cross the line of acceptable closeness.
Pubescent girls are extremely vulnerable to the uncontrollable changes in their emotions, appearance, and self-esteem, which causes them to seek even more nurturing, protection, and explanations—a role perhaps Dad filled brilliantly before his little girl’s transformation into young womanhood.
He, on the other hand, is slave to his inherent biological reactions, and subsequently abhorred, embarrassed, or perhaps unwillingly aroused by Nature’s triggered responses. At some post-primordial and pre-intellectual brain developmental level, Dad is not Dad but a robotic slave to testosterone. He sees his little girl as someone who will soon be someone else’s sexual partner, and may involuntarily and momentarily want her for himself.
Some dads succumb to this limbic impulse, but most can defeat the desire with their more-evolved intelligent brain. The internal struggle, however, is often more easily solved by distancing, even absence, thus conserving his limited store of emotional and physical energy.
Regardless, at some level, he thinks he’s a bad father; and his daughter thinks he’s “changed” or has abandoned her because he won’t spend time with her. The fact is, they’re both normal beings caught in evolutionary design, and most likely the situation will quickly solve itself. (She finds a boyfriend or goes off to college; Dad continues to provide, protect, and “stand by” if his little girl needs him.)
And so if you’re a father reading this on your special day and have fought the dragons and won, just know that you saved the little girl life of your trusting daughter. If you’re a daughter reading this, make sure your dad knows you love him and thank him over and over for just being your dad. There’s nothin’ any better than having a life-long foundation based on just being someone’s Darlin’ Daughter.
Happy Fathers Day Dads everywhere!
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