| One of the difficult things about writing is staying on purpose—mine, being to raise awareness of dissident gender realities.
Even congenial opposite-sex gender relationships are extremely complex and shrouded in an endlessly evolving fog of half-truths, compromises, misunderstandings, and upsets. Then if placed in a larger context such as inaccurate frames of reference, the fog gets thicker and can quickly or eventually choke out love, honor, and respect altogether.
Dissident (to disagree, to set apart) gender realities most certainly bring gloom and doom to relationships because “to set apart” is separation, which is contrary to relating in the first place. To disagree is not necessarily bad, nor does it automatically imply dislike. However, the denial of differing realities almost always leads to the destruction of even the most committed relationship.
Years ago, one of my dear friends I practically idolized for her looks, possessions, and lifestyle was married to a tall, handsome, successful man whom I also admired tremendously. I was married at the time, and we two couples began spending fun evenings and weekends together.
It wasn’t long, however, until I began to notice how her husband ridiculed her when she expressed her opinion about anything. He would surlily laugh and make fun of her “ridiculous” viewpoint; and then would proceed to overtly instruct anyone within hearing distance (even their children) to ignore her “stupid remarks.” Almost everything she said was publicly discounted and invalidated by his feigned ‘superior’ wisdom. He denied her reality at almost every opportunity, and must have thought he was strengthening his own.
Deadly Make Believe
The ugly old Queen in the Snow White fairy tale obviously could not see herself as others saw her. To have asked the question, “Who is fairest of them all?” only spotlighted her own lack of willingness to face the truth she must have suspected. Just to be Queen wasn’t good enough— she obviously wanted something she didn’t have— more adoration, better expressions of loyalty, or perhaps, different results than she had been taught to expect.
But, as Santikaro Bhikkhu said, “…clarity does not come from outside or from others. Clarity comes from observing the realities of our own lives from within life itself.” Going to the mirror, to fairy tales, or to other forms of fantasies only distorts what is.
More, better, different has become the mantra for and basis of our worldly human appetites. Once we crave something, someone, or some idea more than reality, we become attached to and slaves of the substitute fantasy we created.
Actively Eliminating Annoyances
But reality needn’t be appeased, only acknowledged (recognized, accepted, or admitted). Then consciousness can begin to shape or change the reality it encounters. Ajarn Buddhadasa’s words further offer this condition of true happiness: “When nothing annoys the mind, that is true happiness. This may sound funny to you, but the absence of disturbance is genuine happiness.”
Wow! I must be mostly miserable because I’m annoyed so often— even when I consciously attempt to avoid disturbances! They can be miniscule or magnitudinal, depending on my mental state. Avoidance, however, only seems to magnify any issue I may be harboring.
‘Miniscule’ may look like a jar or bottle that I can’t open with my bare hands. A simple solution is to use a tool designed for the purpose of opening such items. But then there are boxes and plastic cartons and certain other containers that are impervious even to a sledge hammer, which I’ve been known to use in desperate circumstances. It seems that secure containers are here to stay. I must admit, recognizing reality is much simpler than accepting it!
Shaping Encountered Realities
Here’s a most recent example of shaping, (and hopefully of permanently changing) one annoying reality:
I moved to a new location about three years ago, and was sure at the time that living on the edge of a golf course would be ideal for finding the peace and quiet I was seeking. And mostly, it is.
However, about a month ago, I was awakened at 6:15 AM by what sounded like a thrashing machine. It was still dark, and the twin beams of the vehicle’s headlights flashed through my bedroom windows (even though my drapes were closed) every time it turned to make another swath on its path around the course. Similar sounds and lights had occurred before, but it was always after my ‘reasonable’ wake-up time of say 7:00 AM.
Unable to return to my slumber, I got out of bed and began thinking of ways to protest the untimely disturbance as I paced the floor in anger.
A phone call to the administrative office? No, no one in their right mind would be ‘in’ and at their desk at that hour of the morning!
Get in my car and drive onto the golf course in an attempt to stop the thrasher? No, I’d probably get run over or arrested for trespassing on private property.
Go out on the deck and use my strongest ‘police’ flashlight to signal the driver of the machine to stop? No, I might get arrested for indecent exposure or sued for blinding the operator.
I decided I would just have to wait until normal business hours, then I would start making phone calls to see what I could legally do about the annoying occurrences. Surely I wasn’t the only person unwillingly awakened by the inconsiderate personnel!
Several hours and many phone calls later, I learned that there was no Neighborhood or City Ordinance about this particular method of disturbing the peace. My only recourse it seemed was to wait until the next time it happened, call the local police who would come out and take a decibel levels test of the machine, and if the noise exceeded the maximum allowed, the driver would be requested by the officer to halt the maintenance procedure.
At that point, I was so angry I began planning how and where to buy a shotgun, and hoping for ‘a next time’ in order to use it. Finally, after another couple of hours, my sanity returned as I turned to my computer to compose an email (proof of my complaint) to the Country Club’s office:
To: General Manager and
Membership Manager
At approximately 6:15 AM today, I was awakened (again) by heavy equipment at work on the golf course, and further annoyed by the bright headlights flashing in my master bedroom windows which face the course.
I called the City Attorney's office to inquire about 'disturbing the peace' at such an early hour. (At a previous residential location, noises such as the "thrasher" you use, or "trash pick-up vehicles," or such other types of annoying activity was not allowed until after 7:00 AM.)
Out of consideration for your non-golfing property-owner residents, I would very much appreciate the curtailing of such maintenance activities until a more reasonable hour.
I sympathize with your plight about Course conditions this summer due to inclement weather and subsequent loss of income for the Golf Department. However, if you allow such disturbances to continue, I will take further action as advised by the City Attorney's office, and will probably cancel my Club Membership as well.
Sincerely, (gave my name, address and phone number).
I haven’t been awakened before 7:00 AM since. Of course, there are no guarantees, but at least I voiced my opinion, made a reasonable request, told the management what I would do if they didn’t comply, and expressed understanding of their reality.
It truly feels wonderful to have overcome my sense of powerlessness. I just hope that I can remember to utilize my newly-found skill when confronting bigger and far more important issues facing women and girls—such as dissident global gender realities that tend to shape our fate.
Find out more about gender realities by clicking “Lynne’s Site” on my colorful Albeit banner above! Thanks for your interest!
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